Dating Out of Your League

So I joined another website, one for which you actually have to pay. I won't give it back, but it rhymes with Schmeeefarmony. The commercials are sooo very annoying. All of those happy, perky, self-satisfied couples saying "look at us, aren't we just so perfect. La la la."

Hmmm - I think I maybe want to dial back the bitter dial just a smidge.

So, for the uninitiated, one is required to fill out a questionnaire about one's life. Then you are matched with people every day. One or the other person can initiate the contact after you have looked at their profile and their pictures.

If you initiate the contact, you send 5 pre-written questions to the person which have multiple choice answers. You pick these 5 questions out of a list of about 100. It should be noted that I invariably get pretty much the same ones from men every single time. It's usually "what do you like to do for fun" and "how passionate are you".

Then you send your five questions. Then each of you exchange a list of Must Haves and Can't Stands. And then each of you send 3 essay questions. At the end of this you can engage in open communication, having run the super duper Schmeeefarmony gauntlet. Presumably you should be able to weed out people looking at their answers. This is, of course, based on the premise that a person desperate enough to put their profile on Schmeeefarmony would be honest about, for instance, liking animals when you put in your profile that you have a big dog.

So, I have had some success in terms of some of the matches. But there is this guy in particular that has caught my eye. He is super hot, a VP of a mineral company, has traveled the world, owns a million dollar house in my old city.... We will call him Mr. Hunk.

I showed him to my wonderful, supportive mother, and she said "You might want to aim a little lower."

I talked to him for the first time yesterday on the phone, and he seemed pretty down to earth. We babbled back and forth to each other for a while. But ..... one of the things he said to me was that he really wanted a dog but was concerned about damage to his newly redone wood floors.

I looked at Destructo Dog, currently shedding out the equivalent of a Yorkshire Terrier on my couch, which has a Bob rip in it and thought....hmmm....fly in the ointment.

Online Adventures with the Opposite Sex

Well, I know it has been a while. I have been really busy at work with a couple of homicide files and a gang shooting. And my personal life has also been quite hectic, although under no circumstances would I characterize it as fruitful or satisfying. But hey, it's been busy.

Gentle readers, when last I blogged about my personal life, I told you that I was confused about the intentions of Mr. Cheesecake aka Liquid Chocolate Eyes. The mixed signals were driving me mad, especially since he was the first guy that I had actually dated in a while that I really, really liked.

I finally took the bull by the horns. I can't tell you what I did, but suffice it to say that through some skullduggery on my part, for which I will be forever ashamed, I learned that he was asking people out while he and I were "dating."

And I hit the roof. Things were said, and, in the end, I was prepared to close the book on Cheesecake.

But, through further skullduggery I learned that perhaps I was the author of my own misfortune in a small way, and that the entire thing was a giant misunderstanding.

The upshot is that Cheesecake doesn't read his emails.

I sent him an email at the beginning of May indicating that I was going to stop dating other people, and that I would like it if he did the same, although I knew I couldn't control what he did.

He apparently has 300 unread emails, and claims he did not receive this email. Based on the extrinsic facts gathered by myself, it appears that this claim is likely true.

So what he was left with was that I was on the online site at least 4 times per day (usually spying on him, because for some reason I have become "that" neurotic weird girl) and he assumed that I was on there doing what people on online dating services do, and proceeded to do the same.

Now I am upset that he would think I was "that" kind of girl. But it was a miscommunication of sorts, I suppose....

So, fast forward to today. We speak, either through emails, texts or on the phone at least several times a day (always at his initiative, not mine). However, we have not seen each other for a month. An aborted attempt took place this week, but I was in the middle of a trial and he worked this weekend. He goes to Europe in less than a month on one of those Contiki tour things (which I begrudgingly refer to in my mind as the "Slore Tour 2009"), and I have no doubt that he is going to meet people on said tour and spend all sorts of quality time with them. So, I guess I have to leave it up to the gods if this thing will work or not.

In the meantime, I decided to try to get on with things, and to try to stop obsessing over Cheesecake, who doesn't seem to be in a huge rush to ask me out. So I accepted a date with another guy about two weeks ago. I should premise this story by saying that I swear to goddess he seemed normal.

So I met him for coffee. He brought flowers, candy and a very cute English accent. So far, so good. After Cheesecake's seeming reluctance to see me again, it was refreshing to be courted. He was 7 years older, but seemed relatively cool, and at the end of the date, he asked for my phone number and email address, which I gave to him.

It was about 20 minutes after this meeting that I received the first email, testing the email address I gave him. I thought "how nice he is so eager". In the email, he waxed poetically about my virtues, both physical and mental. I thought "how nice to be appreciated."

The next day, I got the first email at 6 a.m.. When I saw it I thought "how...nice that he thought of me first thing in the morning....hmmmm" And then I opened it:

"[Killer] if I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever."

Clang, clang, clang went the alarm bells. This email was followed in fairly close succession by:

"The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite"

"[Killer] shall I compare thee to a summer's day..."

And so on. I at first tried to justify it by saying that he was older and he was English, and maybe he just thought that this was appropriate given those parameters. My friend Squirrel Dater yelled at me, saying "The English are just like us, only they have to go to the grocery store more often because their refrigerators are smaller. He is just weird."

Sadly she was right. He was weird. I was reluctant to admit it. But yeah, after an hour of civilized coffee, it was just too out there to be claiming these feelings. So, with the help of Jennifer and the women who work in the front office at work, we composed a farewell email to Mr. Clingy, advising him that we had met someone else and wishing him luck.

So, here I am - the guys that I don't want, want me. The guy in whom I am interested seems to be content to conduct some weird intellectually-based romance through various modes of communication that don't allow for me to get a little sumthin sumthin. All in all, June has been a most unsatisfactory month.

I want a do-over.