I can't play but I can coach....

There was a series of books by Regena Thomashauer wherein she set out her philosophy on life and love and female empowerment. She referred to the enlightened who followed her teaching as "Sister Goddesses." I liked the concept, although I wasn't always in agreement with her methods, which I found to be, at times, more manipulative than I liked. So I formed a loosely-knit group of my own with some like-minded friends, and we have collectively developed some philosophies. I decided, in Cheesecake's absence, to use my time productively to write down some of these rules.

I should say that our club was spawned out of desperation. I was coming off my first break up/train wreck with the Tricky Man, and most of my single close friends were involved in their own unfortunate circumstances. So far, the club's success rate has only been brought down by my own problems - all others seem to have succeeeded. I, of course, did not follow the strictures set down by the club, and have only myself to blame.

Enjoy:

Sister Goddesses

I. Feeling overwhelmed, under whelmed, depressed, underappreciated or blue? Go directly to the phone, call a Sister Goddess (S.G.) or two and convene a meeting over libations of your choice. Feel free to laugh at any point. All situations are better when they are worked out with a friend’s help over red wine or martinis.

II. Give yourself at least one sinful treat a week. This can be a long bubble bath or a night watching mind-numbingly bad television, or whatever makes you rub your feet together with pleasure or giggle with glee. If possible, aim for one sinful treat per day, even if it is a square of dark chocolate and a walk around the block.

III. Once a month say “yes” to something that you would normally turn down.

IV. Accept that you are your own fairy godmother, Cinderella, and that you have the power to make magic in your every day life.

V. Do anonymous acts of kindness as often as possible. The glow you get from being a good person is simply irresistible.

VI. Even if the Sister Goddess has entered into a stable relationship, she will engage in harmless flirting with helpless captives several times a week (the barista behind the counter at Starbucks or the waiter in a restaurant). This is to preserve the feeling of deliciousness that lights a woman from within.

VII. Thou shalt love thyself and thy body, and appreciate thy body as quite simply the coolest machine you will ever own. Dance naked, wear sexy lingerie, do something, anything to celebrate it.

VIII. An SG will maintain herself within a wholesome discipline. This may mean, depending on her comfort level, with regular trips to the esthetician, hairdresser and/or gym. When you feel good about yourself, you are more likely to expect respect.

IX. Thou shalt not use the bad feeling left over from a past relationship as a club to beat down the beginnings of a new relationship. Do yourself a huge favor – take some time off before getting into a new relationship. You should be at the point where you can happily spend time on your own (without creeping on his facebook or myspace pages or blocking your number and phoning and hanging up on his voicemail) before you move on. Do some emotional housekeeping, and sweep that dirt and that dirty man out the door.

X. On or before the third date with a Prospective Beau (PB), the SG dating the PB will produce her potential beau to at least one member of the club for approval. If the SG from whom approval is sought gives the PB a thumbs down, the SG seeking approval has two options – appeal to the club or kick the PB to the curb. Reasons for rejection must be clearly stated.

XI. The Appeals process should involve three members of the club. If three of your friends think he is a loogan, you should get rid of him as soon as possible.

XII. SGs simply do not chase boys. If he wants to talk to you he will phone you, text you or email you (out of those three, calls are the preferred method of communication). Heck, he can send you a Harry Potter Owl in a pinch. Unless he is climbing Everest or a hostage in the Middle East, he can drop you a line every day, or every other day.

XIII. Similarly SGs do not “drop in” or “drop by” to see a PB. PBs will seek us out if they want to see us. Also, they will make plans to see you if they are interested. If he talks to you all the time, but no dates are made, Houston we have a problem.

XIV. SGs will enforce a probation period before extending conjugal benefits. A certain amount of previewing the benefits is permitted, but if the preview involves the naughty bits, that equals benefits. The probation period should be the same as a probationary period to receive medical benefits at a job. Don’t give away your cookie to undeserving schlubs.

XV. If a PB is enjoying benefits from an SG, he should not be out there pursuing “other opportunities.” It is a dangerous world out there, and you probably don’t want to sleep with half the world by proxy. If he is pursuing other opportunities, the SG should give the PB back to the universe.

XVI. “Cheating” is defined as anything you wouldn’t do if your partner was present. If, after a reasonable time has passed and the PB is enjoying benefits, he still hides his cell phone and won’t take calls with you in the room, you should consider the “release” portion of the “catch and release” program.

XVII. If you have been dating for a reasonable period of time, and the PB is enjoying benefits, and the PB has not introduced you to his friends and family, you should seriously consider whether the PB is serious about you. Act accordingly.

XVIII. If, after a reasonable time has passed and you have extended benefits, he still attends weddings, work functions and other “couple” events alone, the SG should seriously consider whether he is serious about you.

XIX. A certain amount of courtesies should be extended to the SG by the PB in the courtship stage. This may include opening doors, not farting in front of you and carrying your heavy suitcase to the car. Better get them now ladies, because sometimes these are the first things to taper off.

XX. There are no words that send a rat running up the pant leg of a PB more than “we have to talk.” That being said, if serious concerns arise, a SG should be able to raise issues in a calm way and be heard with respect and compassion by the PB.

XXI. Benefits are never to be used as a weapon. Sex is the most enjoyable and free activity on the face of the earth. And yes, it is the most powerful tool we have. But holding benefits ransom to acquire goods and services causes more issues than it is worth.

XXII. The highway, so to speak, runs both ways. If you find that you are doing all of the work and/or the traveling to facilitate time together, this is a problem. Mohammed does not always have to come to the mountain.

XXIII. Be careful about accepting last minute dates. It is one thing if he spontaneously wants to see you between scheduled dates, but if he consistently phones you at the last minute, he may be simply waiting to see if anything better comes along first. A weekend date should be made by Thursday. No plans with him by Thursday means go make some other plans. If he phones, you can indicate that you would love to see him, but it will have to wait a couple of days. Girls who sit in front of the TV on a Saturday night because they gambled on a last minute request get unattractive bitter frown lines.

XXIV. Do not respond to booty calls in the courtship phase. He WON’T respect you in the morning.

XXV. Thou shalt practice “defensive dating.” If you and your PB have not had the “we’re exclusive” talk, you probably aren’t. Until the talk, go out, have some fun (remember the benefits rule, of course). If a guy wants to go steady with you, he should ask you, right?

XXVI. The SG is an independent woman, and she makes her own way in life, but she should always be wary of the “dutch” trap. A good man provides for a woman, and should have to be persuaded to allow a woman to pay while they are in the courtship phase.

XXVII. Don’t feign interest in all the things he is interested in. If you pretend to like basketball, know that two things will happen – you will either have to watch basketball for the rest of your relationship or you will have to admit that you are a big fat fraud. Either way, a most unhappy result awaits you. It is, however, ok to explore interests of the PB that the SG might find entertaining.

XXVIII. Never ever change who you are, or compromise your values or your morals to be with a man. This creates an unsustainable situation.

XXIX. Don’t ask for respect. Expect it. Maintain your dignity.

XXX. It’s okay to be nice to a PB, but cleaning his house or making him a collage on the third date is just plain weird. Be cool.

XXXI. You will survive if it doesn’t work out. Always keep in mind that while he may seem terrific, there are another hundred guys out there who will think that YOU are terrific.

XXXII. After the probationary period, a PB should not have to reminded of birthdays, Valentine’s day or Christmas. Failure to observe these rules is a rather serious offence.

XXXIII. Married men or men with girlfriends warrant special mention. The simple fact is that it is a complicated world, and sometimes things don’t work out between two people. And sometimes, one of those people may meet someone new before that relationship winds down. Stuff happens sometimes. The SG backs off and lets the married or taken PB work his life out. Hanging around and taking what you can get simply makes his relationship at home more bearable. And of course, not every guy in this situation is a good guy. There are jerks out there who cheat because they can. You should have a pretty good gut feeling about what category your PB falls into, and act accordingly.

XXXIV. Once in a stable or live-in relationship, the SG will not attempt to be a scary superwoman. This means that the SG will determine what she likes doing, chore-wise, or at least what she doesn’t hate, and feign reluctance, incompetence or even fear with respect to the rest. There is no way that a SG should be in charge of cooking, cleaning, laundry, child-rearing, home maintenance, vehicle maintenance and toilet backups. A haggard SG is an unhappy SG.

XXXV. If a PB has crossed the line to a Stable Beau (SB), and he suddenly becomes distant or withdrawn, if the SB’s answer to the SG’s obvious question is that there is nothing wrong, the SG will not continue to chase the SB around. Instead, the SG will keep herself busy with pleasurable pursuits, thereby creating a vacuum. It is up to the SB to step forward to fill the gap. Begging someone for their attention is demeaning and beneath the SG.

XXXVI. Whether he is a PB or an SB, he should always speak of the SG in glowing terms. Venting to one or two select friends is permissible. Under no circumstances should the PB or SB vent to his mother about the SG.

XXXVII. It is ok to support your man emotionally, but great consideration should be given before supporting a SB or PB financially for an extensive period of time. Only in the most extreme of circumstances should this occur. Conversely, the SG should pull her own weight.

XXXVIII. The SG and PB or SB should have lives separate and apart from each other. Each should be complete as a human being. This means, in practical terms, that it is okay and actually pretty awesome if you have your own friends, hobbies and interests, as well as ones that you can share together.

XXXIX. SGs should recognize and reward both little and big deeds done on her behalf or for her benefit by the SB or PB. A PB or SB will be forgiven for discontinuing such acts of kindness if they go unrecognized by the SG.

XL. For god’s sake, no nagging. Speak your piece, and trust that he will rise to the challenge.

XLI. Extreme caution should be used by the SG when considering breaking up with a PB or SB. If necessary, if there is some uncertainty, a SG would be well-advised to confer with a fellow SG. Decisions should not be made in the heat of anger, as these are usually regretted in the calm of the next morning.

XLII. An SG will never feign affection or an orgasm.

XLIII. It’s ok to let a man protect you. And they seem to really get off on that stuff.

XLIV. You have the right to your opinion. Your SB or PB may not agree with it, but he should respect your right to have it.

XLV. Never ever accept mistreatment from an SB or a PB. Physical or mental. If he did it once, odds are he will do it again.

XLVI. You may, at any time, refuse sex or refuse to perform certain sexual acts. If he doesn’t understand and is a douchebag about it, he doesn’t deserve you. It’s your body, and you have complete control over it.

XLVII. Speaking of bodies, a man should never, ever tell you that he thinks you should lose weight or that a girl is prettier than you. Any man who does this is a moron.

XLVIII. If you feel loneliest when you are in the same room as your PB or SB, you should seriously considering jettisoning him from the spaceship.

XLIX. If someone breaks up with you and then has a change of heart, the PB or SB should be put through the approval and courtship process again. And no benefits until the probationary period is over.

L. For goddess’ sake, be nice to your man if he is a good one. Talk him up in public and in private. Show him some support. Making him look small in public makes you look even smaller.

LI. Don’t be afraid to ask you man for help. A good man will be there when you really need him.