So far...so neurotic

So I had a little bit of a moment last week. A neurotic moment. It was embarrassing. Liquid Chocolate Eyes and I were messaging back and forth and I said something along the lines of "soooo just so you know, if you are playing the field and I am playing the field, we shouldn't be sleeping together."

Which is an entirely valid point. But it was a classic case of not saying what I mean. The translation of this was "I really really like you, don't want anyone else to have you, and want you to declare right here and right now that you don't want to see anyone else ever again. My image is burned on your corneas and I have ruined you for all others."

His response: what you might expect to such gameplaying. He hadn't thought about it. He hadn't dated anyone else for awhile, hadn't slept with anyone else for a while, but thought I should do whatever was best. If that meant that I needed to go date other people, then I should do that.

So then I freaked out inside while trying to play it unutterably cool. Not to a major extent, but it did involve a fair amount of sleeplessness that night. What had precipitated this conversation was his unavailability this past weekend because he was going to visit his nieces in a place about 3 hour from here. And I was busy the next weekend because my parental units are swooping into town. I immediately thought: what if he meets someone else. I know the rational response to that is that, if he does, then he does and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

My grandmother had a saying about boys. You should pay attention to where their feet are. And his feet ended up being in my house after all this weekend for another 30 hours or so.

I went to the City with Squirrel Dater, came home a little less neurotic after buying the proverbial shoes and purse, and was looking forward to a Saturday night of being curled on my chaise lounge when my phone rang. LCE had decided not to go visit his nieces that night after all and wanted to come and visit me. And stayed for 30 hours.

I guess that it has been a really, really long time since I really, really liked someone. I know that sounds sad, but it seems like the last 10 years or so, I settled for guys who were nice on some levels, but that had some issues or some problems or weren't quite the right fit.

LCE fits just fine, and that is what scares the absolute bejesus out of me. When I dated Mongo, and it didn't work out, it was ok, because I realized I didn't like him all that much. When I dated my high school sweetheart again after 17 years, and it didn't work out, it was ok, because he was a sociopath. When I dated Tricky Man, and it didn't work out, it was ok, because he was fundamentally not so bright and sometimes I wanted to staple something to his forehead. And when the Elf didn't work out, I practically jumped for joy, because he was just really very weird.

So, my goal this week, is to be cool, stop being so neurotic, and trust that if things are supposed to work out, they will. To pay attention to where his feet are, just like grandma said. And to avoid sabatoging a very promising start.